Monday, November 30, 2009



1. Went back to Porn Valley, wrote and published an essay about it, loved it, hated it, got 850,000 page views, wished I could go back, turned my back on it, wondered if I should leave it all behind or do it again, again.

2. Drove to DC, got cold as fuck, holed up in a hotel, went to Walter Reed, saw a freaky baby girl in a jar, freaked out about it, wandered around the J. Edgar Hoover Building, saw stuffed wild animals attacking one another, drove home on a bridge that sat on the water and then dove under it, came back out the other side.

3. Flew to NYC, partied, drank, smoked, dated, saw the future, saw a graveyard, saw a woman dressed in meat, saw a man pretend to be Tolstoy wishing he was dead, came home, went to bed.

4. Worked on my novel, hated it, loved it, broke up with my agent, cried, gave up, tried again, despaired, conflicted, got really into it, concluded it was super great, sent it to some people, they loved it, they hated it, tried to finish it, revised it, wondered if it would ever end, if it was a Gordian knot, if it was the story of my life, if it was something in between.

5. Blogged, quit blogging, took a break from blogging, started a new blog, decided blogging was dead, decided I needed to blog, couldn't figure out how I got eaten by a blog, blogged, blogged again, blogged some more, couldn't figure out what to write about, wrote anyway, that is, blogged.

6. Took photographs, liked that it's one of the rare times in which I do not think, wanted to think less, thought too much about thinking less, went to sleep and never thought again, until I woke up and started thinking all over again.

7. Went on some dates, met some men, couldn't figure out what to do with them, heard Wendy when she said, "Keep your light on," cleaned the apartment, bought some clothes, lost some weight, got my hair done, kept the goddamn light on.

8. Did yoga, sucked, got better, relapsed, tried again, bowed, lay on the floor, sweating, in the dark, waiting for something to happen.

9. Decided I'd move to NYC, decided I'd move to DC, decided I'd move to LA, decided I can't stand people who can't make up their minds, tried to leave it all behind, wanted to let it all go, leaped, retreated, moved forward, went backwards, sailed in circles.

10. Got on my knees and prayed to God for a 2010 comeback, sat in the bathtub and thought, Asperges me, and waited for deliverance.