Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Occasionally, I get random weird emails. This should come as no surprise to anyone. Including me.
Hi Susannah,

I've got a bit of an unusual request and you were the only one I could think of that might be able to help me. I recently had sex with a prostitute for the first time and felt so upset about it that two days after the act I called and apologized to her. Coincidentally, I cheated on my wife by doing so but I felt more concerned for the prostitute. I didn't beat her or anything weird like that. I paid $50 for 15 minutes; the sex was awful and awkward and I felt like the whole experience was so demeaning to her that I felt extremely guilty about it. I tried to tell myself to just forget about it, that she had probably been subjected to a lot worse in her time, but she seemed like a sweet girl and I felt like she deserved better and so I called her two days later and apologized for the whole thing. She didn't remember me at all and probably thought I was crazy. I still felt somewhat better about myself for at least trying to apologize.

Anyways, I thought the whole thing might make a funny/interesting short story. It doesn't look like you do The Reverse Cowgirl blog anymore, but you were the only person I thought of who would be interested in publishing the story. Maybe you still might be or maybe you could suggest a blog that might be interested. I still feel a little guilty and I'm trying to use writing as a bit of therapy.


John Smith

PS: Yes, I did feel guilty about cheating on my wife and I will never do it again.
Dear, Um, John:

I see. Thanks for writing. You know how I knew you were really and truly sorry for having underpaid, "awful," and "awkward" sex with a prostitute that you -- and I can hardly believe this part -- called up to apologize to afterward because, well, for reasons that I suppose are obvious? It's when you referred to this entire incident for which you are supposedly conflicted as "funny/interesting." That's when I knew. And I was moved.

I suppose you, John, wrote me because I used to do this project called "Letters from Johns." I suppose one could argue that I "asked for it." Of course, you may note on that project's website that it states: "THIS PROJECT IS NOW CLOSED." That is secret code for: "DON'T SEND ME ANYMORE LETTERS ABOUT SEX YOU HAD WITH PROSTITUTES KTHXBAI."

John, I must reassure you that my intention is not to demean my project -- something I think was pretty cool and of which I am oddly proud -- but to demean you. If you are so torn up over getting crappy sex for what wouldn't even buy the girl a new pair of shoes, why are you writing to me about it? For "therapeutic" purposes? Give me a break. You are trying to brag. Or just weird. Or socially retarded. I don't know. Ask your wife. Maybe she knows? Probably.

I don't know where else you can send your hilarious "short story" about having awkward sex with a prostitute for whom I now feel bad. Nerve? One of those godforsaken erotica anthologies? Some jerk-off site with a message board for johns? Try Googling, "Yes, I did feel guilty about cheating on my wife and I will never do it again," and see what turns up. The internet is a wonderful resource for finding the things that one truly needs in life.



PS Thanks for spelling my name right.