Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Waiting Game

"The older you get, the fewer things you love." -- "The Hurt Locker"
I've been sitting around on this sofa waiting to get better for what seems like forever, and I'm about ready to claw my eyes out of my head. I've been working, waiting, and watching movies. If you haven't seen "The Hurt Locker," see it. It's just epic, and profound, and terrific.

One thing in the movie, especially at the end, is that it's, in part, about how some things ruin you, about how some people, in their lives, cross the line, and you see things that maybe not everybody else has seen, and something about what you saw reacted with your brain in a certain way, and, after that, nothing else was the same. In a way, experiences like that ruin you, because you're so damn high that everything else is a letdown, and sometimes you find yourself in some bullshit, banal, everyday situation, and you realize that you're lost in this onslaught of what is so fucking mundane, and you wonder if you're still alive, or if you died somewhere along the way, and this is all one long protracted dream you're having until the last neuron winks out in an instant. So, you put your foot on the gas pedal, or you turn your head, and your perspective changes, and then you think it's gone, but that's only until it comes back again.

That's what the Valley did: it ruined me and it spoiled me. It's like crack. How can you go back to shitty dope after that? So, you end up going back. Or, not everybody does, but you do, because there's something inside of you that wants the answer to the question, and every time you ask somebody else, do they know what's up with you?, nobody really has the answer, or not one they're willing to say, anyway, and so, you're like, fuck it, and then you're gone, because no one else gets it, so, you know, you might as well go, and so you do.

Now, my knee is jiggling, and my mind is wandering, and I'm stuck at a bus stop, and the bus keeps not coming, but, hey, that's probably how it goes, and, heck, I don't know, I guess somewhere between the hospital bed and here, I remembered who I was, I think, and decided maybe it's extra weird if you're a woman and like this, but, finally, after forever, I feel like I can't wait. Let's go.